What used to be a wonderment joyful time of year has slowly
changed for me. It starts with the small
things that become a reality or drop out of a celebration. Loss of people and things have painted a new
picture. An overall sadness has crept
into my holiday season, Christmas time is a happy time for little kids and yes
they do make or break a Christmas.
When growing up we
spent Christmas Eve at home with my grandparents from one or both sides there.
We got to open up presents from each other and the family big boxes that were
sent from the relatives that all exchanged presents. There was no drawing of names when you are an
only child, that was for school and later years when gifts became so expensive
you could not buy for everyone without going into debt. There was a time that you could make a kid
happy¸ and dare I say several kids happy with $20…and that was all it
took. We had candy that was homemade
that I got to help make, and lots of smells that take you right back to memory
lane if you smell them again. Christmas
morning was for that Santa dude… I believed in him for a while… not long mind
you, but it was magical for a short time, for the record I do not miss that
aspect. We would spend Christmas day after a long long long journey (about an
hour and a half away) to my mother’s Aunt Ruth’s house. There were more
presents there and a big huge dinner. New Years day was my father’s side of the
family get together with more presents and another huge dinner at Grandma’s
house, that later moved to my uncle’s house, then they rented a place to have
it cause the family grew too large for the living rooms. Those were the happy years of Christmas. Grandma’s, Grandpa’s, parents, cousins and no
worries in the world. I held those
happy times for years, probably more time than most people got in life. Then one by one, things began to change. People started to die, the ritual of where to
go changed. Married life incorporated
another side of the family to be involved with, it adds but it takes away on the
other end. For many years we had Christmas on the road. Depending on where we
were, friends and family would come to us. It was a pleasant twist in a
routine. Sometimes it would just be the band and or adopted friends that would
have us over to share in their family Christmas. I loved those days to, it is
always easier on the gypsy if you are traveling instead of the one being at
home missing the travelers. The adult world of Christmas is way different than
through the eyes of a child. You have to
MAKE dinner, you have to spend money, you are the organizer not just a present
opener. Sure the season is the same, the roll has changed. Things are more expensive, there are lots
more people in the family, but they are distant, the drawing names that
happened for a while, have stopped all together because nobody gathers the same
way on the same day. Christmas has
turned into something totally different, it is adopted family who is closer now
geographically and mentally to celebrate the days with. It is a reason to get off work or get off of
work early and race home to relax, or start cookin and watch the weather to see
who can’t make it. Don’t get me wrong, I
love the Christmas’s and the gatherings we have matured into, but it is no
longer the magical ones of my youth. I
see how it happened and I see when it happened. Bit by bit, memory by memory
changed.
This year for Christmas will be a very
difficult one. My mom died this year.
Her birthday is Christmas eve.
Last year she & my dad were not here cause of the weather, but we
talked on the phone, disappointed but no it was not the end of the world… so I thought. It was to be her last Christmas, her last
birthday. Looking back, I wish we would
have spent it together. One more part of
Christmas that won’t happen anymore. A melancholy
has set in to the air. Can’t shake it off, I can pretend it is not there for a
while but it doesn’t change anything. I
understand more than ever the sadness that so many people feel this time of
year. It is almost as if, If you have never loved you won’t feel sad,
if you have never felt a loss, you will have nothing to miss. If you have sad feelings about things you
have missed, you are a lucky person. Yes.. a lucky person. You have had the memories and the events that
shaped your present. The never ending
present that all those gone before us is… the memories they left us. It is sad to think they won’t happen again,
but they DID happen. Can’t go
back. I know that is where the sadness
comes from.
I am hoping the solution for not letting the
sadness take over and the melancholy dominate, is to change once again what has
been changing all along. We adapt and
take it elsewhere. So with a heavy
heart, Merry Christmas to all of you who are still breathing, all of you that
get to watch the magic once again through your little ones. Enjoy it while you can no matter how much it
has changed. If you don’t have plans, I
suggest you plan or have something in mind for yourself or someone else. Cheers to Christmas past & present for we
do not know what the future holds.
